this is a blackout, don't let it go to waste

The Eels - That's Not Really Funny


so, finally summer has decided to grace us with its presence and what happens on the nicest weekend of the year? i have to work it.

so the diet is finally taking its toll on me. i lost 10 lbs in 7 days, then in the week after 0.6 lbs. my goal for next weeks weigh-in is another 10 lbs. i've been cheating a lot lately, i hate to admit. half a piece of cheesecake here, skinny cow ice cream sandwich's there (which i guess are at least lower in calories than regular ice cream sandwiches). i'm bored with cooking and coming up with new and healthy recipes. i can't eat out because the last time we tried i actually started to cry over the idea of not actually being able to have what i wanted for the first time ever. i have to say i'm pretty vegetabled out. but it's something i know i can keep my head down and bear it. i have to exercise more but i'm afraid to be walking alone in some parts of my neighborhood, especially because i walk with an iPod.

school has again been put on hold, at least for now. i'm too poor to afford to go to college; i can't afford not to work full time and i'm afraid to leave either of my jobs because one has the best pay and the other has free health insurance and other sweet perks.

and speaking of second job; it's really odd there. it's a weird dynamic between all the people there. i get along with everyone just fine but i'm not used to not being the best at the job. don't get me wrong, i've only been there since may and people come to me for all sorts of questions. but on the other hand i'm being constantly scolded for not doing things correctly, especially when i'm on the computer processing refills. my total training on the computer lasted about 4 minutes which basically showed me that the F8 key processes a refill. however, there are plenty of problems, especially with billing and insurance rejects. and i thank god i've had the 8 years of retail experience to figure out the rejects and know how to fix them. on top of this i'm fielding phone calls and solving problems there because the homes constantly need crap or didn't get something (even though they got it and someone put it away wrong...this happens more often than it should and instead of looking through their stock they immediately call us) or i'm calling roswell park every 10 minutes for refills for patients. the problem i have is that you can't yell at me for messing something up if i was never trained in the first place. they want me to take care of these responsibilities but no one can be bothered to show me how to do them. it's aggravating sometimes, especially since i know tomorrow i'm walking into "did you do this and this? because it's wrong" because i was processing yesterday. i just want to spend one day there feeling accomplished and helpful.

but such is life i guess. that's at least what i keep telling myself.

Trials and Tribulations

Foo Fighters - February Stars



it's hot in my room right now. you know, one of those days where the window just doesn't open wide enough to let the good air in and the bad air out. my cat could be dead.....i poke him every once in a while to make sure though. he's the only thing i know sleepier than i, myself am.

so the struggle has gotten kind of hard lately. making ends meet has become next to impossible. the only thing i pay on time is my rent, and really only so i have a place to live. i can't be poor and homeless too. i have two jobs, neither of which really satisfy me. in one i make good (good enough) money, but i don't have the seniority to get full time. oh, and i have to wake up at 4:30am for it. the other doesn't have the pay, but has the most spectacular benefits and perks i've ever seen in a job. seriously, i've never had an employer treat us as great as we are treated; free health insurance, free lunch every day, paid vacations, hell, even the free concert tickets are awesome (woo, phish concert next thursday!). but it's really stressing me out. i'd like one job with both good pay and good benefits. and good hours (phrustrated....open a pharmacy and pay me $20/hr...i'm worth it i swear).
i'm not even sure now if i can go back to school and the reason is twofold; i just plain don't have the money, and i can't afford to drop anywhere below full time at work if i want to pay rent and bills. as it is my bills are almost more than my income and i'm in serious trouble there. throwing school on top is...well, suicide.
so how can i ever go back to school? i need school to get a degree and thus a better job. and i need a better job to pay my bills. but i can't afford to go back to school because i have a crappy job. two crappy jobs.

argh.

It's Not Over Until The Fat Lady Sings

Billy Joel: Vienna


I have a sad-but-true story for today. now, in the home i did today, there's a crotchety old woman who is notorious for not being very nice to anyone. she's made comments to me before and i've seen her make comments to other staff, so i know its not me at least. she's just old and miserable. and mean. let's not forget mean....
i'm drawing her blood, and she pokes me with a finger in the stomach and says "so is there a baby in there?" this is not her cute way of asking me if i'm pregnant, it's her mean way of telling me i'm fat. i know this because she's done this exact same thing to me before. however today she took it one step further. after i tell her no, i'm not pregnant, she pokes my breast and goes "well you have plenty to feed him up there."

she poked me.

in my boob.

uugghhhh. why? why me? granted, i've been groped and pinched by dirty old men before at this job, but come on. ew. thank god i don't do that home very often; perhaps she'll be dead before i have to go back there next. then again we all know mean people live forever for some reason.

going to visit d'youville tomorrow. i'm excited and scared at the same time. excited because possibly i have the chance to make everything right again and get back in to school for what i want to do, and scared because they could very easily just turn me away. but, there's no shame in trying so why the hell not.

i'm trying to get all household stuff in order before alex moves in. there's really so much to do i don't know where to begin. painting is first i guess (after cleaning of course). then i need new curtains/drapes for every room. we'll have the couch paid off in 2-3 weeks and i have no idea where to put it until nick moves out. to be truthful, i don't want it in the house until he's gone and i have a chance to sanitize the apartment and get the disgusting smell of his dog out. cleaning, reorganizing...i just can't wait to start and get it over with and have alex moved in.


does anyone know why rugs are so damn expensive??

Chris Garneau: Black & Blue


So thus ends a nice weekend. I just realized the other day that it's been almost a year since i've had more than three days off. i need a vacation, dammit. maybe this winter.

ugh, what a shitty summer it's been anyway. for the past two days it's been raining on and off and alex and i have been trying to go for a walk or at least do something outside. today, we got all the way to the Tifft Nature Preserve when it started raining and we just had to leave.
yesterday we went and saw Bruno. i....i have nothing to say about it; it was definitely hilarious, and life-scarring at the same time.

and dieting is...hard. yesterday was an extremely hard day. i found it's going to be a very long time before we can at least go out to eat. which is okay because i make awesome meals at home, the only problem is that i'm allowed to only have that one meal a day. which is fine and dandy during the week when i'm never at home anyway, but on the weekends when i'm home all day it gets that much harder.

well, tomorrow starts a whole new work week. but i do have next weekend off and maybe we can stop by Allegany so alex can do some fishing and i can do some darn relaxing.

first and foremost....

Andrew Bird: Heretics


since i have yet to find an option like that, i'll start every post with what i'm listening to at the moment. mostly because i have an exceptional taste in music and i like sharing it.

i've felt like i needed to get back into blogging for a while now; i always feel like i have so much to write about. not that i am that interesting of a person because....well....i'm not. i just like somewhere to put my thoughts down and if you care to read? go right ahead. if i say something you don't like, before commenting remind yourself that this is MY blog, not your place to start a controversy or preach YOUR opinions. you wanna do that? get a blog :)

THAT SAID, let's jump right in, shall we?


i feel that in just the past few days/weeks things have sort of come together for me in that my life is taking such a revolutionary change it's silly not to blog about it.
i'm trying to get back into school in the fall. i still want to get my degree in pharmacy, and it's my own fault for not toughing it out the first time. but, without going into too much detail as to why i'm not in school/have a degree or two already...life got in the way. i'm not stupid. i didn't FAIL OUT, contrary to apparent popular belief. life just....got in the way for a while and school went on the back burner. anywho, as fate may have it, a new pharmacy school is underway in the area and i have an appointment next week to talk to admissions. i hope it goes well.
my friend and roommate nick has bought a house (quite an endeavor of his own) and is moving out and....i'm having my boyfriend, alex, move in. this should be happening in about a month's time. i'm very...excited. this will be the first time co-habitating with a significant other, so i'm not sure what to expect. we do butt heads from time to time. okay, a lot! we're both headstrong and stubborn, however i'm much more laid back where as he is very (for lack of a better word) uptight, but not necessarily in a bad way. he's uptight in all the ways that i am lackadaisical, and i try to get him to relax and approach situations in a way that he doesn't get so stressed (/angry), so we kind of balance each other out in that way. we've been together almost 9 months now.
so now, we are ready to take the next step and see how it goes. it's been interesting so far, trying to plan the move and the apartment changes. we're going to be painting and whatnot, getting new furniture (this includes the couch of my dreams which we've already procured by some mystical craigslist intervention), redecorating. i'm getting exhausted just thinking about it. but it's going to be worth it in the end i hope.
i'm doing the best i've ever been with money which is weird to me. alex set me up on a budget and i use this fantastic app on my iPod to keep track of all my banking and cashflow. i haven't been able to save really but that will come in time. i'm paying all my bills, i have food in the house, gas in my tank, and i feel good about my money situation for the first time in a long time. now that those things are set i have to work at saving and paying back my dad.
speaking of food...which we kinda weren't....i took one of the biggest steps i've ever taking for improving my life and i went to a weight loss specialist yesterday and today started the "diet." i use the term "diet" loosely because that's not really what it is; it involves a diet, sure, but it's so much more including a literal lifestyle overhaul for myself. day one has gone excellently, and i hope i can continue. actually, i KNOW i will continue that's not a doubt. i am in a place right now where i am so unhappy with myself and my body i really have no choice. something HAD to be done, and now it is. i'm very excited at the prospect of losing weight; not because i'll be thinner, but because i want so badly to be more healthy. i'm having problems with my knees and back (which is in part due to having two jobs and standing on my feet 13 hours a day three days a week) and i'm just...unhappy.

i'm glad things in my life are changing so drastically. i have this giddy feeling when i think about the future and i hope everything keeps falling into place!