this is a blackout, don't let it go to waste

The Eels - That's Not Really Funny


so, finally summer has decided to grace us with its presence and what happens on the nicest weekend of the year? i have to work it.

so the diet is finally taking its toll on me. i lost 10 lbs in 7 days, then in the week after 0.6 lbs. my goal for next weeks weigh-in is another 10 lbs. i've been cheating a lot lately, i hate to admit. half a piece of cheesecake here, skinny cow ice cream sandwich's there (which i guess are at least lower in calories than regular ice cream sandwiches). i'm bored with cooking and coming up with new and healthy recipes. i can't eat out because the last time we tried i actually started to cry over the idea of not actually being able to have what i wanted for the first time ever. i have to say i'm pretty vegetabled out. but it's something i know i can keep my head down and bear it. i have to exercise more but i'm afraid to be walking alone in some parts of my neighborhood, especially because i walk with an iPod.

school has again been put on hold, at least for now. i'm too poor to afford to go to college; i can't afford not to work full time and i'm afraid to leave either of my jobs because one has the best pay and the other has free health insurance and other sweet perks.

and speaking of second job; it's really odd there. it's a weird dynamic between all the people there. i get along with everyone just fine but i'm not used to not being the best at the job. don't get me wrong, i've only been there since may and people come to me for all sorts of questions. but on the other hand i'm being constantly scolded for not doing things correctly, especially when i'm on the computer processing refills. my total training on the computer lasted about 4 minutes which basically showed me that the F8 key processes a refill. however, there are plenty of problems, especially with billing and insurance rejects. and i thank god i've had the 8 years of retail experience to figure out the rejects and know how to fix them. on top of this i'm fielding phone calls and solving problems there because the homes constantly need crap or didn't get something (even though they got it and someone put it away wrong...this happens more often than it should and instead of looking through their stock they immediately call us) or i'm calling roswell park every 10 minutes for refills for patients. the problem i have is that you can't yell at me for messing something up if i was never trained in the first place. they want me to take care of these responsibilities but no one can be bothered to show me how to do them. it's aggravating sometimes, especially since i know tomorrow i'm walking into "did you do this and this? because it's wrong" because i was processing yesterday. i just want to spend one day there feeling accomplished and helpful.

but such is life i guess. that's at least what i keep telling myself.

Trials and Tribulations

Foo Fighters - February Stars



it's hot in my room right now. you know, one of those days where the window just doesn't open wide enough to let the good air in and the bad air out. my cat could be dead.....i poke him every once in a while to make sure though. he's the only thing i know sleepier than i, myself am.

so the struggle has gotten kind of hard lately. making ends meet has become next to impossible. the only thing i pay on time is my rent, and really only so i have a place to live. i can't be poor and homeless too. i have two jobs, neither of which really satisfy me. in one i make good (good enough) money, but i don't have the seniority to get full time. oh, and i have to wake up at 4:30am for it. the other doesn't have the pay, but has the most spectacular benefits and perks i've ever seen in a job. seriously, i've never had an employer treat us as great as we are treated; free health insurance, free lunch every day, paid vacations, hell, even the free concert tickets are awesome (woo, phish concert next thursday!). but it's really stressing me out. i'd like one job with both good pay and good benefits. and good hours (phrustrated....open a pharmacy and pay me $20/hr...i'm worth it i swear).
i'm not even sure now if i can go back to school and the reason is twofold; i just plain don't have the money, and i can't afford to drop anywhere below full time at work if i want to pay rent and bills. as it is my bills are almost more than my income and i'm in serious trouble there. throwing school on top is...well, suicide.
so how can i ever go back to school? i need school to get a degree and thus a better job. and i need a better job to pay my bills. but i can't afford to go back to school because i have a crappy job. two crappy jobs.

argh.